GTA's hidden sex scenes

A bit slow on this one – most likely because I don’t have a copy of GTA San Andreas – but the big surprise that secret sex scenes have been discovered in the shoot-em-up is that the writers managed to sneak em in the final product.

The game geeks have been getting themselves all hot and bothered by
including scenes where the anti-hero is invited in for “coffee” with a
variety of pixelated slags and then the player gets to give them a good
seeing-to. Up and down gives you the rhythm and another two buttons
change the view and the position. A handy bar tells you how excited
you’re getting.

I’m not in the slightest surprised they got up to this but just how
old are these developers? I used to get up to much the same when a
hormone-driven teenager, except it was BBC computers, meaning text only
and code in the form:

10 GOTO 20

20 GOTO 10


To provide an outlet for my sex-crazed lust, I produced an
absolutely filthy adventure game where you were told what was happening
in text and were give a list of choices about what to do. I think it
was called “The House of Horny Horrors”. The idea was to find your way
to the top of the house where the most amazing, sex queen tempress
awaited the stud who had come to give her one.

I spend weeks devising filthy ways in which our hero could die –
suffocating/drowning as a woman sat on his face, being rodgered to
death with metal strap-ons, choking on his own dismembered member. The
descriptions of the scenarios were the same – the twisted fantasies of
a young boy who wasn’t getting any.

If I had had the GTA development platform, the words would have
gone out the window though and in would have come pixelated tarts and
positions copied out of the scraps of porn mags I’d found in bushes and
under train seats. As it was, there were only basic drawing commands
that required you to sketch out the entire screen and draws lines
between specific grid points. It was so tedious I gave up and learnt
how to write descriptively instead. It was probably the start of my
future career.

As it was, the game was very very far from sexual realities – as is the
GTA version. After all, I knew nothing about real sex, only the
purchasable 2-D kind. Despite all the advantages of the modern era, it
seems that the young uns still know no more about sex, except they can
now get it in 3-D.

They have beaten previous generations though because the lucky bastards
are actually getting paid to live out their pubescent fantasies,
whereas all I got was a clip round the ear from Mr Braintree.