Column idea no.4: Phone fight-back

Here is the fourth in a soon-to-be-discontinued line of ideas of tech-humour columns. Enjoy:

Column idea no.4:
Phone fight-back

“Good afternoon, could I speak with the householder?”
“Of course, you are talking to him, how can I help you?”
“Well, sir, have you ever considered…”
“Oh, sorry, hang on just a sec, there’s someone at the door, please do give me a second, I’ll be right back.”

Six minutes 43 seconds is the current record. A hopeless, miserable girl from what sounded like Essex selling what were probably phone services, but the rules dictate you are not allowed to know whatever crap they’re pitching or the time is void.

Originally there was no stopwatch. Just the clock and a welcome break in the day. Silence at the end of the line and no one else bothered you. But for some strange reason, two minutes 20 seconds is the optimal time to give up trying to sell a complete stranger some nonsense product you know damn well they don’t want. Over time, the minutiae of which gas company was willing to hold out for that extra second became important. It was as good as indicator of future share price as anything else.

Of course, you don’t always have the time to relax and enjoy the gentle silence.

“Good afternoon can I speak to the houseowner please?”
“I don’t consider it the afternoon any more. You should have said ‘good evening’.”
“Er, yes, of course, can I speak to the houseowner please?”
“What does he look like?”
“Um… the person that pays the bills”
“Which bill would you like: electricity, phone or water?”
“I’m sorry sir.”
“Which bill? Electricity, phone or water?”
“Electricity.”
“Oh. That’s me.”
“Terrific, I was just wondering mister… mister…”
“Mister Lister.”
“I was wondering Mr Lister whether you have ever considered…”
“Not since last time I hung up on someone exactly like you.”
[durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

That is a more effective method of getting off a calling list than any opt-out technology or register. Some salesmen are, of course, trigger happy.

“Hello, I was wondering if the owner was about?”
“Oh I’m sorry, it’s just…”
“No I understand, thankyou for your time.”

Makes you wonder who’s reading who.

New trends come and go of course. They are always the most fun.

“Do you mind if I call you by your first name, or would you prefer Mr McCarthy.”
“If it’s okay with you, I’d like to be called by my nickname.”
“Of course sir, what is it?”
“Guff.”
“Guff?”
“Yes, it was from university and I used to eat alot of curries. And I don’t know quite what happened, but one time – I didn’t say anything – but Stewart threw up it was so bad. I finally admitted to it about three months…”
“Yes, sir, well I was wond…”
“Call me Guff.”
“Yes, Mr Guff, I was wondering….”

In the early days of grenades, the main problem was the fuses. Make it too long and it was picked up and throw back at you. Too short and you blew yourself up.

“So you say you are interested in hearing more about our special offers on at the moment?”
“Yes, but I feel I should warn you immediately that I am recording this conversation for training purposes.”
“Sorry, sir?”
“I know I should have mentioned it at beginning but I was so excited at the prospect of new stone cladding that I completely forget. Maybe you could hang up and call me back in five minutes and then I could inform you straight off.”
“I’m not sure I understand, sir.”
“I’m recording this for training purposes. But legally the great stuff you came out with earlier about caring about my home and house values and being worried about wear and tear, well I can’t use it. If you really don’t mind, could you call back in ten minutes and give me the same line that you delivered so perfectly the first time.”
“Well, I…”
“Thanks, I’ll hang up now.”

It is a fact that 68 percent of salesman serious consider calling back but stop just at the last minute. Absolute fact. It was either revealed or unveiled (it’s hard to tell one apart from the other these days) in a survey recently. Or maybe it was released…