Another Technobile rant of mine in The Guardian today. I'm a little disappointed they didn't use an illustration I knocked up for a laugh and which I thought was hilarious. It was this:
I have to say, moaning for a moment because I'm in a bad mood today, that it is mildly irritating to see a column (as opposed to a news story or feature) sanitised during the sub-editing process. To a sub, an odd word needs to be replaced with one that gives greater clarity when you apply this to a column, you can lose an interesting flow of words or a brief, crazed tangent.
I may of course be talking out of my arse but I'm going to post my original column here and then what has appeared in The Guardian today. I'd be interested in what people think – even if it's to tell me the subbed version is better.
Actually, I am being an grouch because I just checked and – for whatever reason – the column was cut down to 433 words. I was asked to and wrote 550. So the sub had to cut 120 words – a big chunk. With that in mind, it was a pretty good job.
I'll still stick the original below though because I've just located the file and copied the text.
Technobile [Original]
Puck, puck, puck, puck. Puck, puck, puck, puck. There’s always a frisson of excitement the first time you use a new gadget. Even a low-tech one. The Mukka Express promised the perfect cappuccino in one device. An espresso maker with a milk holder above it. The theory was great: heat water below, fire it up as steam through the coffee and reuse this steam to froth the milk on the way. Pour it out, scoop out the milk: the most lovely cappuccino you’ll ever see. There’s even a clip of this wondrous activity on the Internet.
So imagine the irrational anger and hatred that came pouring forth at the same time as the mucky milky coffee. Call that froth? A child with a straw could do better. The Mukka – swiftly renamed the Fukka – had crossed that most infuriating of lines: the gadget that doesn’t work. The technology that spits. The seducer that promises new pleasures but leaves only financial unease.
Some of these crap gadgets are still littering unused drawers. The radio pen. Pen didn’t work, radio didn’t work. The cassette-iPod adapter: all the static you could ever want for £9.99. The innovative corkscrew that has only ever successfully screwed its owner. The miniature digital camera: ideal for those “guess-what-it-is†quiz rounds. The aquaphobic waterproof camera. Ha!
It’s fair to assume that when these gadgets’ creators first sat down, they were convinced they had hit on a killer idea. They were determined to make it work. Unfortunately lack of demand, resources or just plain physics intervened to put each and every one of these evil, useless concoctions into God’s doggy-bag. The kind of doggy-bag left in fly-infested red metal containers at the exit to parks.
This is why The Society for Needed Technology is so important. Rather than waste these minds on battery powered peppercorn crushers, let’s throw them at technology that society needs but doesn’t yet have. Who cares if it doesn’t work, anything has to be better than nothing.
Top of the list is, of course, the pram deflector – designed for even the most souped-up juggernaut of pavement engineering. At the moment, little guilt-inducing Tristan sits inside forcing more considerate citizens to leap into the paths of oncoming lorries to avoid inconveniencing this miracle baby’s parents. But no longer.
Sure, the first models wouldn’t be perfect. The snow plough design, suspended in front of the pedestrian, would initially break under heavy impact. It may not suit all buggy types. It could unnecessarily clip normal pedestrians. But these problems would soon be ironed out and millions would pay £29.95 to reclaim the streets.
An in-car system to identify idiot drivers. If the police receive more than five reports from individual citizens concerned about one car’s imbecilic lane-changing in a 24-hour period, that driver is given a £100 fine and three points. Community policing. And the technology’s already here, ask Ken Livingstone.
A universal remote for all mobiles and personal stereos, to be used at the owner’s discretion in public places. Quiet crisp packets for cinemas. Showers that work. Speech recognition and deletion for TV. A nationwide referendum system connected to the House of Commons. A bloody all-in-one cappuccino maker.
Come on, gadget-makers, turn your back on evil, join us, find redemption and make this country a better place.
Technobile
Come on, inventors, make something we really need – like a coffee machine that makes a decent cappuccino
Thursday November 10, 2005
The Guardian
Puck, puck, puck. There's always a frisson of excitement the first time you use a new gadget. The Mukka Express promised, in one device, the perfect cappuccino: an espresso maker with a milk holder above it. The theory was great: heat water, fire it up as steam through the coffee and re-use the steam to froth the milk. Pour it out, scoop out the milk: the loveliest cappuccino.
So imagine the irrational anger that poured forth with the mucky milky coffee. Call that froth? A child with a straw could do better. The Mukka had swiftly crossed that infuriating line: the gadget that doesn't work. The technology that spits. The seducer that promises new pleasures but leaves financial unease.
Such useless gadgets litter desks. The radio pen. Neither pen nor radio worked. The cassette-iPod adaptor: all the static you want for £9.99. The innovative corkscrew that only screwed its owner. The aquaphobic waterproof camera. Ha!
It's fair to assume that these gadgets' creators were convinced they had hit on a killer idea. Unfortunately, lack of demand, resources or just plain physics intervened to put each of these useless concoctions into God's doggy bag. The kind of doggy bag left in red metal containers at the exit to parks.
This is why The Society for Needed Technology is so important. Rather than waste minds on battery-powered peppercorn crushers, let's throw them at technology society needs but doesn't have.
Top of the list is the pram deflector to deal with even the most souped-up juggernauts of toddler transport. At the moment, little Tristan forces the more considerate citizens to leap into the path of trucks to avoid inconveniencing parents. But no longer.
Sure, the first models wouldn't be perfect. The snowplough design might break under heavy impact. It may not cope with all types of buggies; it may even clip pedestrians. But these problems could be ironed out and millions would pay £29.95 to reclaim the streets.
An in-car system to identify idiot drivers. If the police receive more than five reports about one car's imbecilic lane-changing in a 24-hour period, the driver is fined £100 and three points. That's community policing. And the technology is here – just ask Ken Livingstone.
And what about a remote for mobiles and personal stereos, to be used at the owner's discretion in public places? Quiet crisp packets for cinemas? Speech recognition and deletion for TV? A nationwide referendum system connected to the House of Commons? An all-in-one cappuccino maker?
Come on, gadget makers, turn your back on evil, find redemption and make this country a better place.
