Tom Cruise refuses to let others let him out the closet

Midget film star Tom Cruise has slapped another of his heavy legal threats on the makers of South Park because of a recent episode in which he gets trapped in a closet and has fellow scientologists attempting to coax him out of it.

Our Tom seemed to think this referred to repeated accusations that he is gay – something that attracts a Cruise lawsuit faster than a cruise missile. The diminutive nutter may have pushed too far this time though – the fact that he keeps suing people for saying he's gay is rapidly becoming a story in itself.

The whisper that Tom's a loon is getting louder and louder and soon no matter how many lawsuits he files, it won't make the slightest difference. So has ego been deflated since the dawn of time.

Anyway, the episode of South Park (series 9, number 12, titled “Trapped in the Closet”) will now not be shown in the UK. Which is terrible.

Were it not for the fact that the Internet exists. Download BitTorrent, then go on a search for the episode. I found it here at About five minutes in and 11.6 percent of the 100MB is already down. I'll get back with more soon as I've watched it.


I've watched it. It's good stuff, basically the main target is Scientology and Tom Cruise coming out the closet is the main joke. Stan gets involved with the Scientologists who decide he is L. Ron Hubbard reincarnated.

Tom Cruise then appears in Stan bedroom but gets upset when Stan says his acting is “okay” and locks himself in Stan's closet. Cue much “Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet” quotes from Stan, Stan's father and then Nicole Kidman, John Travolta, the police, the media and so on and so forth (I've knocked up a short, low-quality MP3 podcast of one part of it and attached to this post).

Two good bits: Stan is told about Scientology and the crazy sci-fi stuff Hubbard came up with is animated with a strip across the screen saying “This is what Scientologists actually believe”.

But the best bit is at the end when everyone threatens to sue Stan – including Tom Cruise. Eventually, Cruise exclaims: “I'm gonna sue you in England.” To which Stan replies: “I'm not scared of you – sue me!” Which is a lovely way two-fingered way to end the show.

There you have it.