Binge drinking – the insulting consequences for cripples

Unless you live in Oxford, you will have thankfully been spared the “Nightsafe” campaign.

The campaign, which started over a year ago but still appears to be going on, has been a frequent topic of mine in rants against councils wasting money trying to lecture kids by trying to be hip. I suspect it may have been the least effective campaign launched by mankind since the “girls are good” push in China in 1975.

The idea is this: picture a dirty scrubber alongside various cryptic booze-based inscriptions and stick the results on beer mats and toilet walls. This will immediately cause young people to moderate their drinking and behave more responsibly and sensibly if they do imbibe a little too much alcohol.

You can have no idea how bad the conception of this broad concept has turned out to be. Ah, but yes you can, thanks to the power of the Internet. What I particularly enjoy is that the woman pictured – apparently called “Rachel” – is supposed to epitomise the pinnacle of female desirability: all woman want to be her, and all men want to fuck her.

And here she is:

Personally, as a man, this is precisely the sort of woman I avoid like the plague. The sort of woman that wears cheap silver jewellery, a T-shirt that says “Treat me like a princess” in diamante, and yet screeches like a fox under car tyres.

Did you figure out the cryptic message? It means, I won’t fancy you if you get into a fight. It’s a clever play on words.

Except the problem is we all know that “Rachel” is precisely the sort of woman that would relish nothing more than Kev or Darren or Phil or whatever pitutary retard she has managed to attract that night, beating someone up in front of her.

Apparently, though, “Rachel” is equally appealing to women, and she also has some words of gibbering wisdom for the female of the species. Here is the evidence:

Note the non-aggressive sideways turn. The dirty look has turned into a trusting pout. Yet, even so, if this woman strolled up to a load of women looking like that and offered: “Hi girls! If he’s seeing double, make sure he stays single”, what do you think are the chances of her not being attacked by a screaming horde of harridans?

But these posters appear all over of the pub walls and on beer mats too. The beer mats store even more gems of mindless nonsense:

For women:
1) If a lad has had too many pints, don’t hang around to see them all come back again
2) Don’t be with a guy who thinks the best place for a condom is his head [eh?]
3) If he’s seeing double make sure he stays single [already covered]
4) Enjoy a night out, not a night in casualty [oh! okay, good thinking]
5) We all know our limits… so if someone offers you another drink… walk away [walk away? A large number of women *expect* you to buy them another drink]

Tips for the boys:
1) If you give a girl the eye make sure it’s not a black one [even the biggest knuckle-draggers get this one]
2) Nobody looks got wearing a kebab [waste of food, that’s why]
3) If you stick of vomint you’ve no chance [so why not drink a shot of Sambuca?]
4) If you want to sweep a girl off her feet it will help if you can still stand up [I was thinking about horizontal action, anyway]
5) We all know our limits… so if someone offers you another drink… walk away [Fuck off!]

But what sparked all this off what that I discovered a use of one of the “Rachel” posters that was even more offensive that the nonsense examples that have been confusing and patronising Oxford drinkers for the past 16 months.

I spotted this version of the poster in the disabled toilets on terrific Chinese restaurant Sojo on Hythe Bridge St (the gents were full). Note *disabled* – lots of room, big pull-down bar etc etc. I can’t decide whether it was a sick joke or the restaurant owners simply gave up trying to understand the Nightsafe posters.

Anyway, it made me laugh (because I’m wrong in the head):